we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize