my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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