I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize