Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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