I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize