All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
