How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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