Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize