I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize