'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
why do cheetos always look like penises
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
