I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
