life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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