I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
