How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
