when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
