Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
