around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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