The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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