Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
