i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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