were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
