yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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