i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
My cat gives me a boner
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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