i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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