WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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