Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
