Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
