Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
