the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
