I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize