you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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