Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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