Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
