dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
