I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dick very happy bro
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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