A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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