i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
