I smell stomach acid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
