Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
