Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
