Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
