Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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