Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
