Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
