You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
