By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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