she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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