I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
