I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
