So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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