Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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