Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
