my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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