Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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