i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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