Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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