I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I see more hoeing in ur future
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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