Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
