I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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