I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
