i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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