You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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