I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
