someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
