I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
