a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
