I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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