this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
